Its dark and grey out today. Gloomy and cold. Drizzly and unwelcoming with that daft unmotivated presence in the air. the kind of day to just let your pj's stick to your skin from over night and not give a shit about your hair. No point on opening the blinds to allow more gloom to come through either. There is no sunshine and the wind is sharp and pricks your ears in the most annoying way. All there is to do is sit here and sulk because its a dark, grey, gloomy, and cold day.
This description is real and what it truly looks like today. But It also helps explain the real description on how I feel inside. Taking on the issues that lay in front of me is hard. They are hard but I know it's nothing that cant be handled. But putting that thought to action and trying to figure it all out is the most difficult thing of all. And then I pressure myself for being such a pussy and whining about things when there are people who only get to eat every 3 days... and here my fridge is stocked and I'm sipping on a hot latte topped with whip cream. Pathetic eh?
But its true, The pressures of the world and what needs to be done haunt me. Trying to be a mother, step mother, caregiver, friend, daughter, leader, and whatever fuck else I am is so damn pressuring and so many circumstances constantly knock at my door. So much pressure surrounding me has led me to be bitter and pissy. Especially, when the pressures affect my relationship with Ben.
Ben and I are extreme and intense. An irresistible duo and couple that makes the masses jealous. But our dynamic, our household, and our relationship is so stupidly complex. We both came into this relationship based on love and love and more love.... like fuming fiery hot pulsating love for each other. And we both came out of previous shit storm relationships too. So when we found each other we hopped to it and made our lives completely wrapped around each other and our love for another. We have pursued a life that we both have always wanted with one another and based it all off how much we love each other. We relentlessly kiss, hold hands, take pictures, give out compliments, have sex, serve each other, help each other, talk to each other, and far more. Its beautiful and only so many could ever be so lucky to have. But then the crazy happens. The world swoops down on you and fucks with you.
The world swarms a big FUCK YOU at your happiness and love. How can so many things on the outside hurt the things that you hold so dear? How can something so bold and freaking majestic be cut down?
We have 3 beautiful boys. 2 that that we have to share with our past relationships. Where we have to intertwine and mix it all together to somehow magically make it all work with our exes and with our kids. We have to schedule/co parent and realistically make life function while there is traveling to visit one child and having to send off another one for visits. Financially, we somehow try to make it all work while trying to make our lives function between bills, child support, lack of child support, traveling, drama, and far more. We deal and dwindle constantly with the kids and its so damn near impossible to do. And so very damn exhausting
We love the shit out of kids but our kids are so extreme. One is hearing impaired (with hearing aides and gets along fine), logical, a smart ass for days, and will out smart you in a blink of an eye. And before you know it your so frustrated with him after the ridiculous manipulation, going in circles over and over, and then you're overwhelmed and yelling at the kid in the face. You're little ripping your hair out. And no matter how accurate his reasons may be, you have to hold your ground to him.. some HOW! And then the yelling and the tones in the air affects the other child who is a "spectrum child" and sensitive to every teeny tiny thing imaginable. He so emotional and losing his mind in panic attacks left and right to even get dressed or to go wash his hands. We have numerous Audiology appointments with one and now an ongoing therapy appointments with the other. This is just surface stuff. Oh yea... The part of having a newborn is in this fun confetti cake mix too! Other parts of this Fruit Fuckery Cake is job re- location, job furlough situations, moving out of state, health issues, family drama, nosey exes, unsolicited advice etc...etc...etc... Then all of a sudden your best friend becomes just a friend. Then somehow an another they become that person that's just there. And then you all of a sudden your mind starts to come up with so many ridiculous things towards that person because they are just there. Unwelcome outside influences, outside opinions, and emotions creep in the cracks very slowly and they start to ooz out in ways that just suck. All of a sudden he sucks. And all of a sudden I suck. And then there's tears, resentment, and pointless arguments. Even over dumb ass text messages with threats of leaving, pointing fingers, not agreeing on anything what so ever, and just some of the stupidest shit you (we) can ridiculously come up with. Its that seriously stupid. So stupid that I purposely watched "our show" ahead just because I become that petty. He doesnt even know this... until he reads this!!! Its seriosuly that damn stupid.
Naturally, we all act and react differently to everything and in our case we both react very very very very differently. He's north and I am way south. He closes off and I speak the hell up. In most situation we carry out with our extreme differences so well. Its perfect when you are best friends and when the world isn't swarming a big middle finger to your face. But when the big FUCK you comes. It seems that all is lost.
Ben and I suck right now. Bottom line. And We have pointed fingers at out kids and family and literally the world itself. And ya know what... It is no ones fault but our own. But we so easily just keep blaming everything else around us but not ourselves. Its a rut. We are just in a rut, right? All families and relationships go through this right? This is what I keep telling myself. And I have a pretty strong feeling that is the case. I know that this shall pass. We have lost touch to what is really important and serving one another. It is so damn easy to lose touch. Its so easy to get lost in a hypnotic tunnel to forget whats surrounding you and what matters the most. I know my family and Ben is worth fighting for. But we have got to find some magical strength to win this war. I know God is on our side and I know that we can make this happen. We don't want to give up. even though I feel so much that it is the easiest thing to do. I feel that way all the time. We will hang in there. Love and light always beats the dark. Its still dark and gloom out today. But I know there is going to be sunshine and light tomorrow... and many more days to come.
